Death is Only the Beginning
by victoriamartynne
Summary: Cordelia is rocked when Angel dies.
1. Chapter One

Title: Death is Only the Beginning  
  
Author: victoriamartynne  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing!  
  
Spoilers: None, I think!  
  
Summary: Cordelia is rocked when angel dies.  
  
"Angel is dead." Gunn said over the phone to Willow bluntly. The grief was evident in his voice.  
  
Willow sounded as though she didn't believe him. "Where's Cordelia?"  
  
"She's having a hard time dealing with it. She can't come to the phone right now."  
  
"I'll tell Buffy." The shocked Willow said.  
  
"We're having a memorial tomorrow night if y'all wanna come. It starts at midnight."  
  
He hung up the phone and turned towards Fred who wrapped her arms around him.  
  
She hadn't wanted to ring the Scoobies, and Cordelia had been in no fit state to so the job had been passed onto Gunn, who had also informed Wesley.  
  
"I should probably see how she is." Fred said, meaning Cordy and went upstairs to Angel's room where she had been since it had happened two days ago.  
  
"Do you think he's in heaven?" Cordelia asked numbly.  
  
She was curled up on Angel's bed with one of his shirts clutched to her chest.  
  
"I'm sure so." Fred replied. "He's done so much good."  
  
"What if he hasn't done enough? Hadn't." She corrected herself tearfully. "Maybe he could never do enough and he's doomed to spend eternity in hell. And then I'll never see him again."  
  
"Angel is not in hell." Fred squeezed Cordelia's hand. "He's in heaven and he's looking down on you now thinking 'don't cry'. You're strong, and he knows it. You have to be strong for him."  
  
"I can't." Tears began to fall from her eyes. "I can't be strong. I can't hold myself together. All my life has just fallen apart. Angel was everything. My best friend, my family, my lover. Now I'm just empty inside. I've got nothing left. I can't breathe or talk or even just lie here without thinking of him. I have nothing. I am nothing!"  
  
Sobs wracked her thin body as she grieved for the man she loved.  
  
"Cordelia, you can get through this." Fred urged as tears fell from her own eyes.  
  
"I can't. I just want to die. I can't live without him." She cried. "I loved him so much."  
  
"I know you did honey. But people need you here."  
  
"I don't want to be here." Cordelia clutched the shirt to her face and hid behind it as she sobbed. "I can't bear it."  
  
Wesley came to visit the next day. He went straight upstairs to see Cordelia. "Cordy, can I come in?"  
  
"Sure." She answered numbly, not moving or looking towards the door.  
  
When she saw him she instantly cried. Seeing him brought it all back. He'd been there since the beginning, after Doyle. He strode across the room to hug her to his chest. Her body heaved in grief and sorrow. "I miss him Wes."  
  
"I know, I do too." He replied, his voice husky with his own grief.  
  
"It hurts; it hurts so much I think it's going to kill me. But it doesn't."  
  
"It'll get better." He promised.  
  
"No, it won't. It'll never get better because he's not here to make it better."  
  
"He'll always be inside you. In your heart and in your memories. No-one can take them away."  
  
"Buffy can. She's coming to the memorial tonight and she'll be so upset. And she'll look at me and I'll know that I don't deserve to grieve because he was always hers. They were the soul mates, not me and Angel. And even though he's gone she'll take him from me and I'll lose him." By the time she had finished speaking she was almost incoherent.  
  
"She can never take him from you Cordelia. Buffy never knew him in LA. He was yours. He loved you. Buffy and Angel were never the soul mates. The only think that made their relationship special was that it was forbidden. You were the seer to the champion. Now that was special."  
  
"Can you remember when you first came to work with us? We'd just lost Doyle and we had no idea what we were going to do. And then you came along, and we weren't lost anymore. Now he's gone and we're even more lost. But no-one is going to come along any more are they? I've just got to suffer for the rest of my life. That is my punishment for letting him go."  
  
"You didn't do anything wrong by letting him go." Wesley told her seriously. "You had to let him go so you can grieve and get over him."  
  
"I will not forget him." She argued.  
  
"I didn't say forget, I said get over. You need to move on and eventually you will. I know it doesn't seem like it at the time but it will get better. The wound is still fresh, you have to let it heal and the scab to drop off before it can heal."  
  
She nodded and wiped her eyes. "Either that or you keep picking the scab off and the pain keeps coming back."  
  
He didn't smile at her joke her just pulled her to him again and let her cry.  
  
"I miss him so much." She whispered brokenly.  
  
"I know honey, I know." Wes murmured and stroked her hair.  
  
"Cordy, can I come in?" Fred asked as she knocked on the door.  
  
"Okay."  
  
Fred opened the door and stood there with a small pot in her hands. "I've got something for you."  
  
Cordelia saw the pot and instantly sat up from her position laid on the bed. "What is that?"  
  
"Lorne went back to where it happened and got his ashes for you. He thought that you could put them next to the headstone we've had made for him."  
  
Cordelia felt tears well up in her eyes. "Tell him thanks."  
  
She held out her hands and Fred gave her the pot. She squeezed her shoulder and left.  
  
Cordelia held the pot next to her chest. "Baby, please don't leave me." She whispered into the dark. 


	2. Chapter Two

Title: Death is Only the Beginning  
  
Author: victoriamartynne  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing!  
  
Spoilers: None, I think!  
  
Summary: Cordelia is rocked when angel dies.  
  
Dressed in a black dress and sandals that Angel had liked, Cordelia walked down the hotel stairs with the pot of Angel's ashes.  
  
Even though she was an expert at applying makeup her red eyes and bags under them could clearly be displayed.  
  
The Scooby gang and the remainder of the AI gang were waiting in the lobby for her.  
  
The first person she saw was Buffy, dressed in large black hat with a veil. The perfect widow, Cordelia thought bitterly.  
  
Willow stepped forward to Cordelia when she saw her. "I'm so sorry."  
  
Cordelia nodded but said nothing.  
  
Buffy's eyes were drawn towards the pot in Cordelia's hands.  
  
"Is that him?" She asked.  
  
Cordelia nodded.  
  
"Can I have him?"  
  
She shook her head. "I can't, not yet."  
  
Buffy looked surprised and tearful but said nothing more.  
  
Lorne came over to her and gave Cordelia his arm which she gripped gratefully. "Let's go."  
  
The memorial spot they'd picked was in the hotel grounds under a group of blossom trees. Cordelia thought it would be pretty in the summer.  
  
Seeing the headstone under the trees came as a big shock for Cordelia and Buffy.  
  
Cordelia kept a tight grip on Lorne while Xander had his arm around Buffy.  
  
They gathered around the front of the headstone and read the words that Cordelia had chosen to be put on it.  
  
Angel  
From now until eternity  
Death is only the Beginning  
See you soon  
  
Seeing the words brought tears to Cordelia's eyes.  
  
"It's perfect." She whispered. "He'd have liked it."  
  
They all nodded in agreement.  
  
Wes stood forward. "I thought we could all say something about him."  
  
They all nodded.  
  
"Angel was my friend." Wes began. "He gave me a job, a home and I became part of his family. I made a mistake a while ago and I never got the chance to make it up to him. Him dying without us being friends has hurt me so much. I suppose all of us have lived fearing him dying. I know he assumed that he'd be alive long after we had gone. Well, that's not the case and now we have to be strong without him. Goodbye Angel, you won't be forgotten."  
  
He stepped back, wiping his eyes discretely.  
  
Fred stepped forward next. "Angel saved me from a hell dimension. I guess for a while I liked him. That was until I realised that I couldn't fight what he and Cordelia felt for each other."  
  
At this Buffy shot a confused look at Cordelia but she was too busy listening to Fred.  
  
"He touched all of us. And even though I haven't known him for that long I love him. He was so special to all of us. Our family won't be complete without him."  
  
She stepped back into the circle they had formed.  
  
Gunn stepped forward. "I'm not good with things like this. I just wanted to say that Angel, we'll miss you."  
  
Cordelia shook her head; she couldn't speak just yet so Lorne nodded to Willow.  
  
"I haven't seen Angel since Sunnydale, except for a few flying visits." She smiled. "He was a good man even though he did try to kill me so several occasions. I wish he was still here and I'd like to think that he's watching over us. Goodbye Angel." She whispered finally.  
  
Xander stepped forward next. "I don't really know what to say. I never really liked him but I wish he hadn't died. For the sakes of Buffy and his other friends here in LA."  
  
Gunn bit his tongue to keep him from saying anything.  
  
Giles stood forward instead of Buffy; he assumed she'd want to wait. "Angel may not have been the best of humans. And he was certainly one if the most dangerous vampires. But he turned into a damn fine man. His death was a shame and a tragedy and has touched all of us. But I think we will all live with the knowledge that we were honoured to know him and be loved by him."  
  
Buffy decided it was her turn after moments of silence and stood forward. "Angel wasn't a vampire to me, he was a man. Although I wasn't with him in his final days I know that we still thought of each other and I know that that enabled him to be in company when he was killed. Life can often be cruel and hard."  
  
Cordelia felt tears fall down her face almost in slow motion as Buffy spoke. Angel was never hers, he never had been, he would never have been hers. All that they had had been a mistake. A figment of her imagination. Buffy and Angel had the forever love.  
  
Lorne sensed Cordelia's thoughts and squeezed her arm. "It's not true princess." He whispered.  
  
"I loved him so much and now he's gone I just feel empty inside." Buffy said, crying. "I hope that wherever he is he is happy and at peace and knows that the people he left behind love him and will survive without him."  
  
She stepped back into Xander's embrace.  
  
Cordelia took her turn, walking to his grave slowly, the pot containing his ashes still in her arms.  
  
"Angel started out as my best friend. He gave me a job and a home and a place where I could belong. Even though sometimes I probably didn't deserve it. He saved my life more times than I can count. Sometimes getting hurt himself." She looked down at the pot. "He cared about me like no-one ever has. Some of you don't know that Angel and I were in love." She watched the reaction on Buffy's face and instantly regretted her words. "Well, we were. I loved him so much and I think he loved me as much as I loved him. He was the kindest, most brave man I've ever known. He gave his life to save mine. We were attacked and he took the stake that was aimed at my heart by another vampire. God, I'll never forgive him for doing that." She broke down in tears. "But the one thing that will stick with me forever is his smile." She smiled slightly through her tears remembering his smile. "I think he's watching us right now. Probably thinking how stupid we are for doing this. But Angel, baby, we miss you and we'll never forget you. I'll see you soon." She whispered but everyone heard her. She kissed the pot and placed it in front of the headstone. "Forever Angel, forever." She said, echoing the words he'd said to her when he told her he loved her. "Never forget."  
  
She stood up and walked back over to Lorne, shaking and crying uncontrollably. "It's okay princess." He soothed. "You did it, he would have been proud."  
  
She nodded but couldn't speak through her tears.  
  
They all stood in silence for a few minutes, some crying, some not, before turning and leaving the memorial.  
  
Cordelia padded across the grass when she was sure everyone was asleep. She sat down on the grass next to the headstone.  
  
"Hi baby." She whispered into the darkness. "I felt lonely when I went back inside so I thought I'd come and talk to you. Buffy and everyone decided to stop tonight so the place was a little crowded. I don't know why I told them about us when I did. I guess it hurt seeing Buffy claim all your love. I hope you don't mind." She fell silent. "I looked at the photo album the other day. Seeing you back when Doyle was working with us was weird. I know you don't age, but somehow you looked younger. It's strange, it started off as us three and now it's just me that's left. I wouldn't have expected it to be this way back then. I feel so alone without you, even though I've got everyone around me. I can't cope." Her voice broke and sobs escaped her. "I can't do this, I can't live without you. I'm fooling myself when I think I can go on living without you. A part of me has always known that this could happen but I never really let it in. I never let myself believe. And it hurts Angel, it hurts so much. All I want is for you to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay." She fell silent again. "But I know that's not going to happen. I hope you're okay, I really do. That's probably what I fear most, that you're in some hell dimension and I'll never see you again. I hope not." She yawned through her tears. "I should go to bed but I really don't want to. I just want to be with you. Good night Angel, I love you."  
  
She stood up to walk away but reconsidered and went back to lie down next to the headstone.  
  
Cordelia lay on the ground until dawn. Her eyes were red and puffy and she was still crying softly.  
  
After finding Angel's room empty Wes and Fred had come running out to the grave.  
  
Seeing her curled up on the ground stopped them short.  
  
They stopped running and walked slowly to her. Wes sat down next to her while Fred saw she was shivering and went to fetch a blanket.  
  
Wes touched her head softly and she looked up at him sorrowfully.  
  
"Cordelia, what are you doing out here?"  
  
"I wanted to talk to him and then I didn't want to leave him." She said weakly.  
  
He nodded and moved her so she was in his arms. "It'll be okay Cordy, I promise."  
  
"How can it be okay if he isn't here?" She asked, looking a lot younger than her twenty one years.  
  
"It'll get easier Cordy, give it time. It's not been a week yet."  
  
Fred came running back with a blanket, Gunn at her side.  
  
"Gunn, can you carry her inside?" Wes asked.  
  
He nodded and picked her up in his arms. She rested her head against his chest and closed her eyes. "Angel used to carry me like this."  
  
Fred had a worried frown on her face and Wes just looked plain emotional.  
  
Gunn carried her inside and put her down on the couch in the lobby. She opened her eyes again and saw the Scoobies looking at her. She closed her eyes again and turned away from them.  
  
"Cordelia, we're leaving now." Giles said awkwardly. "I'm very sorry for your loss."  
  
She said nothing as she heard then say goodbye to Wes, Gunn, Fred and Lorne who had just come down from his room.  
  
"Maybe we should call a doctor." Fred suggested to Wes after sitting watching Cordelia for the past hour and a half.  
  
"I think she'll pull out of it on her own." He said, although he wasn't quite sure. "She just needs time. I think we're all forgetting it hasn't been a week yet."  
  
She nodded.  
  
It was a week later when Cordelia seemed to snap. She was washing her clothes down in the basement when Lorne heard her screaming. He ran down the basement stairs to see what was wrong.  
  
Cordelia was sat in the middle of the floor crying, a white shirt clutched to her chest.  
  
"Cordy? What's wrong?" He asked, almost scared to know the answer.  
  
"It's his shirt." She whispered through her tears.  
  
"Are you sure? It's white." Lorne pointed out and sat next to her on the concrete. "Angel never wore white."  
  
"You don't understand!" She screamed and looked at him accusingly. "It was his special shirt; he wore it only for me! I was never going to wash it, it smells like him. Did you put it in with the laundry?"  
  
He held up his hands. "No, I didn't. But I'm sure it was an accident."  
  
She turned on him, her eyes filled with fury. "It doesn't matter whether it was an accident! It was his and it smelt like him! I've got nothing left!" Realisation seemed to set in. "I've got nothing left."  
  
As Lorne put his arms around her she broke down in body wracking sobs. "I've got nothing left. He's all I had."  
  
He sat rocking her, crying himself, until the others found them.  
  
"I've got nothing left." She kept repeating between sobs. 


	3. Chapter Three

Title: Death is Only the Beginning  
  
Author: victoriamartynne  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing!  
  
Spoilers: None, I think!  
  
Summary: Cordelia is rocked when angel dies.  
  
Angel stood next to an unusually subdued Doyle. "I need to go back."  
  
"Man, you've been dead what? A week?" Doyle said in his Irish lilt. "You can't want to go back already. All the peace and harmony up here normally keeps us sane for more than a week."  
  
"Doyle, you've been here long enough to know how I can get the hell out of here!" Angel said angrily.  
  
Doyle held up his hands. "Okay man, okay, there might be a way."  
  
"I'll take it." Angel said, never taking his eyes off Cordelia.  
  
"You might like to think about that." Doyle warned.  
  
"Why would I want to think about it?" He asked, looking at him for the first time.  
  
"Because you might not survive it."  
  
"Survive what?"  
  
"The trip back." Doyle said wisely.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"When your soul leaves here it can either go back to Earth, as you want, or you can end up in the other place, I suggest you don't want to go there."  
  
"I've been there." Angel reminded him. "How do I take the trip?"  
  
"All you have to do is jump." Doyle said. "And think. And if you're lucky your body is resurrected and you go back into it. If you're unlucky you go to the fiery place."  
  
"Did you try it?" Angel asked, suddenly curious.  
  
"Nah, I like the peace and harmony up here, it's better than the hatred on Earth, I can tell you." Doyle said and shuddered. "Besides, I have to pay for my beer down there, it's free up here."  
  
Angel smiled. "You haven't changed have you?"  
  
Doyle shook his head. "Good luck man. You deserve her, more than I did."  
  
Angel shook Doyle's hand and then the two souls embraced each other. "Thanks Doyle, I missed you."  
  
Angel concentrated and then jumped.  
  
It took all of Fred's persuasion to get Cordelia out of the chilly basement and into the lobby upstairs.  
  
When she was sat on the couch Lorne suggested to Wes that it was time to call a doctor.  
  
He nodded. "I thought she would move forward on her own, but I was wrong. I'll give him a call in the morning."  
  
Angel landed in an office. "What the hell?"  
  
"Angel, what a surprise." A voice said from behind a chair. "And what can I do for you?"  
  
"Who are you?" There was no response. "I want to go back."  
  
"I see, and why?"  
  
"My friends need me, and I miss them. I have to go and be with them."  
  
"That's a very important thing you're asking of me." The voice said, somewhat patronisingly. "Why should I do it?"  
  
"Because I'm a champion, a warrior for the Powers That Be. If I don't return to Earth I can't fulfil my destiny. And you'll have the death of my seer your hands!" Angel shouted.  
  
"Maybe this is your destiny."  
  
"I was told I'd got the chance to fulfil my redemption and earn the chance to shanshu. If that was planned for the future then why did I die before it happened?" Angel argued.  
  
"A very good point Angel." The voice said. "Now, why should I grant your wish and not send you to hell like I have every other soul that has walked through my door?"  
  
"You do that?" Angel exclaimed, distracted. "Oh, because I am doing good things on Earth, or rather I was. Give me a chance to help people."  
  
"When you died another champion was elected."  
  
"Then send me back and you have another." Angel almost pleaded. "My seer will die if you don't send me back, please; she needs me back as much as I want to go back."  
  
"You do know of the price?"  
  
"The price? What price?"  
  
"To be sent back you have to pay a price. We send you back and you have only a fifty fifty chance of making it back to Earth."  
  
"Yeah, I know the price, now send me back!" Angel ordered.  
  
"Very well." The voice said. "Let it be done."  
  
Angel cried out as he was sent flying down a vortex of some sort. Colours and images flashed past him in a haze as he was propelled down the tunnel.  
  
"Cordy!" Angel cried out.  
  
"Cordy, you have to eat." Fred argued as Cordelia turned her back on her.  
  
"I don't want to eat."  
  
"You need to eat!"  
  
"Leave me alone."  
  
Fred threw up her hands in defeat and left Angel's room with the soup she'd picked up at the deli.  
  
Cordelia heard the smash of crockery on the wooden floor of the hallway and thought nothing of it. She closed her eyes and pulled the comforter around her shoulders.  
  
Footsteps entering the room made her turn away from the doorway. "Leave me alone, didn't you hear me?"  
  
Someone sat down on the bed next to her and touched her shoulder. Instinct more than familiarity made her open her eyes and turn around. She jumped up off the bed in surprise.  
  
"What the hell did you guys do?" She shouted. "What kind of freaky ass spell did you do?"  
  
Fred poked her head through the door looking clearly shocked.  
  
Cordelia began to cry. "How could you be so cruel? How could you torment me like this?"  
  
"Cordy, I. I." Fred stuttered. "I didn't, we didn't."  
  
Lorne, Gunn and Wes, hearing the crashing of the crockery came running up the stairs and came to a halt outside the bedroom door.  
  
"Oh dear lord." Wes murmured under his breath.  
  
"Cordelia, it's really me." Angel said gently and tried to move towards her but she backed off quickly so he stopped. "Okay, one step at a time."  
  
"You're dead and someone is trying to hurt me by casting a goddamn spell! Go away!" She screamed and slid down the wall to the floor.  
  
He advanced on her again. "It's not some spell, I took a chance to come back to earth and be with you again. I think I'm human too." He added.  
  
She looked up at him, tears running in rivulets down her face. "You can't be, it isn't possible. You're dead, you left me."  
  
"Baby, I didn't leave you, they took me from you and I love you. They gave me a second chance." He soothed.  
  
"You're real?" She asked weakly, looking up at him with huge eyes.  
  
He nodded and was then sent flying backwards as she flung himself into his arms sobbing.  
  
"I thought you were dead." She sobbed. "I had your ashes and you were dead and I thought it would kill me but it didn't and I wanted it to so much so the pain would go away."  
  
Fred had tears running down her face and she clung to Gunn's sweater to keep herself stood.  
  
Wes wiped a tear from his eye discretely and Lorne was grinning madly as was Gunn.  
  
"I'm back honey, and I'm staying, I promise." He reassured her between kissing her forehead and cheeks and lips. "I'll never leave you again."  
  
"God, I missed you." And then her lips met his and everyone left discretely.  
  
He pulled her body to his and held her to him, revelling the feel of her body next to his again.  
  
"You can't ever leave me again." She declared in between kisses. "It nearly killed me."  
  
"I know honey, I was watching you."  
  
She pulled her lips from his. "Really?"  
  
He nodded. "With Doyle."  
  
Her face softened at their old friend's name. "Guardian angels, huh?"  
  
He nodded and captured her lips again, pushing her backwards so he lay on top of her. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too." She whispered. "I can feel your heart beat."  
  
He smiled. "It feels good."  
  
"Definitely." She agreed and her lips met his again, for good.  
  
Two days later they emerged from the room. They looked tired and hungry but they'd showered and put on fresh clothes.  
  
Fred came to hug Angel, still not believing that he was back.  
  
Gunn, Wes and Lorne came to pat Angel on the back or shake his hand all the while grinning at Cordelia.  
  
"We called Sunnydale." Fred suddenly blurted.  
  
Cordelia nodded. "What did she say?"  
  
Knowing instantly who 'she' was Wes answered. "She's coming up this weekend."  
  
Cordelia cursed under her breath and kept a tight hold on Angel's hand.  
  
"Hey, don't worry." Angel reassured her. "She died and came back and I stayed with you. Me dying and coming back isn't going to make any difference."  
  
She nodded and looked relieved. "I wasn't worried."  
  
Lorne rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I've seen less worried cocker spaniels."  
  
Cordelia gave him the finger playfully and then laughed out loud. "God, this is like nothing has happened."  
  
True to her words half an hour later Wes had them all working on a case.  
  
Buffy entered the hotel like a guided missile. Seeing Angel she ran up to him and threw her arms around him sobbing. "I can't believe you're back."  
  
Cordelia, who was sat at her desk a few feet away kept quiet.  
  
He hugged her back cautiously. "Yeah, I'm back and I'm human."  
  
"I know, that's so great." She gushed and brushed away tears that were on her cheeks. "I've cleared out half of my closet and my drawers."  
  
"Having a spring clean?" Cordelia inquired.  
  
She turned to Cordelia and looked at her like she was stupid. "No, for Angel's things."  
  
"My things?" Angel asked, shooting Cordelia a look that clearly said 'behave'.  
  
"For when you come home."  
  
"This is my home Buffy." He said gently.  
  
"I don't understand. We can finally be together." She pointed out. "Aren't you happy? There's no curse and turning evil thing. We can be happy together at last."  
  
"I'm in love with Cordelia." Angel said more bluntly than he'd intended.  
  
Buffy frowned. "But we can be together."  
  
"He wants to be with me." Cordelia pointed out.  
  
Buffy turned to glare at her. "This is between me and Angel."  
  
Cordelia pulled a face but shut up.  
  
"Buffy, I'm staying here, I love Cordelia. Me and you are over. We were headed in different directions and I've moved on. You need to do the same."  
  
"I don't understand." Buffy said as tears welled up in her eyes again. "You're meant to be with me."  
  
He shook his head. "Not anymore."  
  
Buffy looked like she was about to faint but instead she turned on her heel and ran out of the hotel.  
  
"Buffy!" He tried calling after her but she ignored him.  
  
Cordelia came to wrap her arms around his neck from behind. "She'll be okay baby, just give her a little time."  
  
He kissed her forearm. "I know, I still feel a little bad though."  
  
"Hmm, I don't." She decided and nibbled on his ear. "This is the beginning for us now."  
  
"Death was the beginning." He clarified with a smile. "Now we're on to the fun part."  
  
The End 


End file.
